Have you ever felt so sad that you couldn't breathe? Have you ever felt so fragile that you couldn't handle being in a room full of people? Because I, Shelby Marks, have felt this way before. I feel this way now. I never knew that anyone could feel this much pain. Especially when nothing physically harmful was hurting you. The phrase "heartbroken" really doesn't begin to cover it. It's more like heart exploded or heart shattered. Nothing's left. And the pain can well over at any moment. It's constantly there, but sometimes, even when I think I've got it under control, it leaks out. All of a sudden I go from perfectly calm to a mascara stained mess. And that's when the hyperventilating starts. Sometimes this happens out of the blue. Other times, it's provoked. Like when I pass Abercrombie & Fitch at the mall. Or when I get a text message and my heart sinks when I realize it's not going to be him. I will never hold his hand again or even get to see him one more time. I'm trying to cope; I'm trying so hard. But whenever I think I've made progress, something new reminds me of him and I'm right back where I started. I can't even say the name Mark out loud. I can barely even think it without crying. The worst part was when my friends asked about him right after it happened. They didn't know anything had changed, but the tears that poured down my face clued them in. Crying in public is the most embarrassing thing, but I find myself doing it more and more. Eventually I have to find a way to contain it, but right now I can't think straight. I can't come up with any rationanl way to stop. I wish I could hate him, but as much as I try to justify doing so, I can't stop loving him. And I'm started to worry that I never will.

Untitled I guess?

I was curled into a ball hugging my knees to my chest. I drew in ragged breaths that shuddered through the hole in my heart. The gaping wound that would not be stitched up. I bit down on my lower lip to hold in my quiet sobs. I hadn't left my room in two days. Not to take a shower, not to eat. Meals mysteriously appeared at my door three times a day. A single knock signaled there arrival. Mom was worried so I ate what I could without bile rising up from the pit of my stomach. I had barely slept and hadn't uttered a word to anyone. I wasn't sure my voice worked anymore. My insides were breaking and spilling out through the cracks. I thought heartbreak was supposed to bring numbness; I needed that phase to come soon. The raw pain ravaging my body was too much to bear. I have sixteen missed calls on my phone. My friends must all know by now. I've heard the doorbell ring, the hushed whispers, but no one's ever tried to come up to my room. For that, I was greateful. I'm a mess and I can't think of anything that will make it better. No amount of hugs or smiles, kind words or baked goods will help. Those gestures are hollow; most things are now. Life itself is hollow; empty. As soon as he spoke the words, I shut down. I've missed my favorite shows, homework goes undone. I think I've missed a few tests and I know I had an essay due at some point. Sooner or later I'll have to go back to school. I'll have to fake a tiny bit of happiness for my mom's sake. I hate to worry her so I'll have to paste on a smile and prepare for a whole lot of denial. But my heart is leaking and I don't know if I can stop it. I can't hide it just yet. I can't control it, can't hide the zombie in my eyes. Right now, I can't even begin to take the first step to being okay.

Apology

I have been informed that I did not satisfy everyone with my last blog; it seems they expected my New Moon review to be longer. Of course, I do have more to say, as always. Last time, I didn't have time to write much, but I do now. New Moon was incredible and since I've seen it twice, I feel I have the right to judge. If that doesn't seem like enough, don't worry, I will be seeing it again. But I have to say, the downside to New Moon was the downpour of new Jacob fans. Unlike Edward fans, they are wrong. They have no idea what they're talking about and they must be crazy, because there is no way a sane, coherent, and sober person would pick Jacob over Edward. Last year, people knew that. But this year? I am appalled. The amount of Team Jacob t-shirts I've seen lately is disgusting. And really, the whole Team Jacob thing is just shallow. Why do women love him all of a sudden? I think we can safely say it is because of the thirty pounds he gained, all of which flowed nicely into his muscles and washboard abs. I get that he is maybe a little attractive (if you're into that kind of guy), but he has nothing on Edward Cullen and he never will. So many friends of mine (my own sister even) that I thought were loyal Edward supporters, jumped ship as soon as Jacob took his shirt off the first time. And then when he cut off that awful hair, the women in my theater went wild. And not just young girls-middle aged women were yelling and cheering when Jacob was standing out in the rain half naked. If you don't believe me, go see it in theaters sometime; try to go during a busy showing. You'll see it. Of course, you'll see the avid fans with their shirts and jackets. But its the sneaky fans, the ones you don't expect, that will ruin your movie. The middle aged woman with the sensible haircut? Yeah, she'll be the one hyperventilating when Jacob rips his shirt off. The boy who looks annoyed his girlfriend's dragging him to a chick flick? He's going to be loudly shhhing her while she talks during an action scene. Maybe even shouting at the screen like hes at a football game. You're laughing and shaking your head in disbelief now, but I've seen and heard it all. But even with those annoying fans, the movie is worth watching. Even if you didn't like the first Twilight.

NEW MOON

I can't believe how long its taken me to write this! I have now officially seen New Moon. As expected, it was a thousand times better than Twilight. No comparison. The action scenes and special effects were incredible and the wolves looked completely realistic. The acting itself was better and the few cheesy quotes found in Twilight were nowhere to be seen in the sequel. And luckily, Eclipse is coming out in JUNE!!! So, fellow fans, we do not have to wait an entire year!!!
Life is complete.

Work

Work was awful last night. I work at a kids' party place and while I usually like my job, these kids were terrible. And that's saying a lot because I generally love kids. They yelled, they ran, they fought-I've rarely seen anything like this before. The birthday boy was rude, selfish, and spoiled. It was annoying to watch his mother dote on him when he behaved this way. He yelled at me, called me mean, and laughed when another kid threw his hand back, knocking a piece of cake out of my hands and onto the floor. Haha, very funny, kid, thanks for that. And of course I had to clean up the mess. Not only that, but the mom told our manager that my co-worker and I weren't doing a good job, which is ridiculous. Just because her crazy kids were out of control, didn't mean we were to blame. Maybe being taught some manners would have helped, but I'm just throwing out suggestions here. After that, we had to yell and strongly enforce every rule, pretty much killing the fun. But that's what the mom wanted, so that's what she got. A party that barred the kids from having fun. At the end, she had the nerve to complement us on how well we did. Even though she didn't tell the manager that. And she did this after telling our manager that we were basically terrible at our jobs. Thanks, but telling us "thank you" doesn't really help. What would be great is telling our manager that we did well, and that she was mistaken when she complained about us earlier. That would have been nice, but I guess she didn't think of that. She better have given us a good review on the survey.

I Just Have To Get Through Today

If I can just make it through the rest of today, I will be happy. Today is an A-day, which is a bad day, but if I get through it, it will be New Moon day, and then my life will be complete. Until Eclipse comes out, of course. But today has been a very unproductive day and I don't see that changing anytime soon. I really don't. Not because I don't want to focus, but because I can't. Now that I'm this close to premiere night, the hours seem to stretch by at an impossibly slow rate. The only thing that wouldn't be a complete waste of my time would be finishing New Moon. Even though I've read it, its been awhile and I need to refresh my memory. But I can't while I'm stuck in school. I can't even take a nap to make time pass by faster. I just get to sit here and watch the minutes tick by as I wait.

Four Days

Four days. That is how long we have to wait until New Moon will be released. I am so excited, I don't know what to do with myself. The trailers, the magazines, the complete movie guides-all of these promotions catch my eye and make my anticipation grow even more. The days drag on as we get closer to the premiere that will change the lives of people everywhere. I literally can not wait any longer and I think a mere four days of only being able to view extended trailers might kill me. I've bought the tickets, I have a t-shirt. Now all I can do is re-read the book and wait.