Have you ever felt so sad that you couldn't breathe? Have you ever felt so fragile that you couldn't handle being in a room full of people? Because I, Shelby Marks, have felt this way before. I feel this way now. I never knew that anyone could feel this much pain. Especially when nothing physically harmful was hurting you. The phrase "heartbroken" really doesn't begin to cover it. It's more like heart exploded or heart shattered. Nothing's left. And the pain can well over at any moment. It's constantly there, but sometimes, even when I think I've got it under control, it leaks out. All of a sudden I go from perfectly calm to a mascara stained mess. And that's when the hyperventilating starts. Sometimes this happens out of the blue. Other times, it's provoked. Like when I pass Abercrombie & Fitch at the mall. Or when I get a text message and my heart sinks when I realize it's not going to be him. I will never hold his hand again or even get to see him one more time. I'm trying to cope; I'm trying so hard. But whenever I think I've made progress, something new reminds me of him and I'm right back where I started. I can't even say the name Mark out loud. I can barely even think it without crying. The worst part was when my friends asked about him right after it happened. They didn't know anything had changed, but the tears that poured down my face clued them in. Crying in public is the most embarrassing thing, but I find myself doing it more and more. Eventually I have to find a way to contain it, but right now I can't think straight. I can't come up with any rationanl way to stop. I wish I could hate him, but as much as I try to justify doing so, I can't stop loving him. And I'm started to worry that I never will.